I miss it so much.

So with only a couple more hours to go before 2011 swallows us whole, I'd like to put up another reflective blogpost. Haha, sorry.

I need a break from watching HIMYM so I decided to look back at my other New Year's Eve blog entries. Damn, I used to be more free-spirited. I wonder what happened to me. Didn't do a good job being an adult, I guess. Somewhere along the way I became this cynical freak. And I'm going to assume with good reason that it must've pissed a lot of people off. I'm working on it.

But my biggest problem is how much I hate when people change and make you sorely miss who they used to be. I would love to elaborate but it wouldn't be very gracious to do that here, now would it. I don't care for some of them of course, but what sucks here is that I'm missing the people who matter the most. It has been 12 short months. How can people change that much within a year? Sigh. Apparently apart from being cynical, I am also one big fat ball of naïveté. (Whatever, I know you got me)

I'm wishing for a lot this new year. So here are some which I don't think are all that unreasonable:

1. To get a good job, goddammit.
2. A true panoramic camera.
3. To stop being obsessed with things that don't deserve that energy.
4. For people to realise that they don't have to change into someone they'll ultimately hate.
5. To be more free-spirited.
6. More instant film.
7. For my backache to get the FFFF out of my body.
8. To have clearer complexion.
9. To be less of a snob.
10. For people I love to be closer.

I stopped having new year's resolutions because it seems like each year I have them just to set myself up for disappointment. Plus wishlists are more fun.

I hope everyone is contented with the way things are. If not, here's to a clean slate.

Happy 2011, guys. Cheers. :)

On the cusp.

It's currently 22 days into December and 9 days before 2010 is gone forever.

What a year. Really.

It started out great. Well. In retrospect. Though I remember doing a dramatic amount of complaining about the fact that school will be missing a lot of good people. That aside, things were great. Probably left-overs from the end of 2009.

But you know how things can seem too good to be true? Yeah well things started to get... sporadic after a while. Some of them my fault while others were sadly un-siam-able.

My sister went into (my god, extremely) prematured labour and after a morbid amount of blood transfusions later gave birth to twins on the 29th of January. That day I almost lost my best friend on account of two incredible life forms. What a surreal feeling. I still don't know where my mind went that night. Though I am happy to say that things (baby wise) got better ever since. I'd like to keep it that way for a long, loooooooong time.

So!

Between then and somewhere towards the middle of 2010 things started to get really disgusting. Pretty sure I brought that upon myself. Struggled with macro-economics in school, flunked its mid-term paper, met a bitch, lost the bitch, got mind-f*cked, lost a boyfriend, graduated. HELLO, UNEMPLOYMENT!

It was pathetic, how I handled all that at once. Worst of all, I tried to justify the shit I did. My "coping mechanism", if you will.

For a long time I believed myself. I was pretty convinced that I had good reason to be doing the stuff I did. I chose not to admit it to anyone but am deciding to put this here tonight. All that crazy shit damn-near destroyed me. Sounds wussy, uh huh. But losing someone you never knew you could love like family because of some horseshit definitely tops the list of stupidest things one can do. So children, remember this: always think of consequences. Also, always say a big F*CK YOU to dodgy situations. Your best bet is to stay away from toxic people.

So now here I am. It's 1:29am on a Wednesday morning and I'm glad to say that I've rectified some of the crap that I've pulled. Not all but I guess I'm working on it. (Like how I'm still very much jobless) I still really want things to return to the way they were. The good stuff of course, but that's just being selfish and unreasonable. I'm hoping that in 9 days, the new year will put an end to me missing the good stuff of 2010.

So here's to 2011. Bring it.

Grease.

A friend told me something really obvious the other day:

"One way to avoid disappointment is to manage your expectations."

So ok if it's so obvious why didn't I see it? It seems to me that I am never fully contented with anything; I am somehow able to find fault in everything. To be fair, nothing is perfect yes we all know that. But I am too easily manipulated by the bad I see in things. That is my problem.

It's tiring to always be on the cusp of a slippery-slope argument with myself. More often than not I lose my footing and I spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiral towards that pit of poisonous thoughts. Serious. Very unhealthy. It's like I'm always waiting for things to screw up. Oh wait. I think that's what being a pessimist means.

I miss having school to keep me occupied all the time.

Thursday's.

Everyone knows this but it's damn difficult to admit you are wrong about something. Especially when someone puts you in your place. Suddenly you run of of excuses. Like me now.

So this is it. No more snide remarks from me about that anymore because I'm disassociating myself with it and all its mumbo jumbo. You were right. Time to stop being childish.

Ok so that's that. Moving on to other things.

Like how people are apparently quite disinterested in my resume. HAHA DIE, SIA.

Can one of you just call me please. I need and want a job so badly. My sanity and trip to New York is at stake here. Also, I want to buy pretty things which are not paid for by daddy (I used "daddy" to sound as spoiled as I feel).

I LOVE THE YEAR-END WEATHER. The weather is inversely proportionate to my mood. The darker the better.

kbai.

Un-prudey

I've always considered myself a little too prudish for my liking but sometimes I do snap out of it.

Like when I want to get my point across:

I NEED A FRACKING JOB.

As much as I'd like to spam resumes everyday, there are unfortunately only a few places a communication major can look for a job. Ok maybe it's not as measly as it sounds, but I'd love to have more options!

I'm thinking advertising would be good. Although I once said I'd never want anything to do with that industry. But then again I've been eating a lot of my words lately, what's a few more. Approaching with caution.

Oh and guess what. I'm deciding between getting a pair of shoes and a camera.

HOW THE HELL am I supposed to make that kind of decision?

Supposedly.

It's so EASY to give mindless advice to people because talk is cheap. Sure you've heard that a million times but you know it won't stop being true.

In the midst of attempting to cheer a friend up tonight I couldn't help but beat myself up over the fact that I was failing so pathetically. You're supposed to say nice things, they listen and a tiny metaphorical garden starts to bloom. But then again, if the world were that perfect nobody would get that upset to begin with. Nobody would have something to feel like a helpless fool about.

The good news is, however, that the majority of this screwed up world is in it with you. Having said that, the natural order of things suggests that everything will sort itself out eventually. Maybe it's fluff but you gotta believe in something.

Gloom.

I've been faced with something very real lately.

All this uncertainty is homicidal, to be theatrical. I don't know when, if and how I'm going to solve these problems. This whole see-saw of emotions is nauseating.

Some days are really great. But days like today need to stop happening so frequently. It’s supposed to get better. I’m not supposed to be questioning my ability to handle shit like that (anymore).

It shows, I know. Like I tweeted, I have a disgusting tendency to appear quite pathetic sometimes. So much for putting up a front. I’m supposed to be good at that! But then again I always thought I was good at “Angry Birds” but recently I’ve been having a lot of trouble with ‘em fowlz. Wow, what a tangent.

Broody people are goddamn annoying, I am aware of that. But let me be lah ok, it has been a REALLY lousy day.

Like a bad aftertaste of something that was initially pleasurable.

2:09AM Tuesday.

HELLO, I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN A WHILE.

Typing in caps is quite infectious.

So how have I been? Meh.

Some days are better than others. Turning to retail therapy, both the online and the walking-outside kind. The effect lasts until you realise you've been spending too much money. And then you're back to feeling pathetic again. You don't get to win, ultimately. So... wtf man?

Job job job. That's what I need. A job. Will probably keep my mind from wandering and my shopping-guilt at bay. Call me, goddammit.

A toast.

Ok, you know what.

Time to bloody stop feeling sorry for myself. This is me sucking it up.

I'm looking forward to good things happening.

Excruciating

Not trying to be melodramtic again but I just have one thing to say.

This has got to be the worst I've ever felt. I would not wish this on the most digusting person.

I really want to stop crying.

A post dedicated to you.

Hey. You.

If I unfollow you on twitter one day, take it as a sign of protest against your disgusting character. Not that your tweets are particularly annoying enough to result in my unfollowing but because you have proven to be a bigger moron than originally suspected. Pompous, self-righteous, you get it. And this is my best attempt at being nice.

Do you really think I don't know what it is you're trying to do? You want to solicit a reaction out of me, fine. Here it is.

I used to think rather highly of you. Evidently you shot that favourable impression of you to bloody hell. I get it. The world is unfair, things don't always turn out the way we want them to. But hey you know what, I heard in the news today that YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO EXPERIENCES THIS PHENOMENON.

Goddammit, you.

P.S. I HOPE THE PERSON WHO CREATED FOURSQUARE GETS BEATEN UP IN A DARK ALLEYWAY.

Do you remember?

Did something that I shouldn't have done.

The best part was that while at it, I knew I shouldn't be doing it. But I went ahead anyway.

So wrong, complicating and unexcusable.

Who knew how right wrong could feel?

What now.

When you start to hurt in places you never even knew you had, you know it's time to do something.

How, though, is a separate problem altogether.

Lost it.

My current state of mind cannot be too healthy.

The best part is that I think I voluntarily put myself in this position time and time again. The f*ck do we do things we shouldn't be doing? I am convinced that we all have masochistic tendencies and they surface when you're out of your freaking mind.

Also, I swear I used to write better. My English together with my thought processes all fell out that same metaphorical hole at the side of my head.

Ok. WTF does that even mean? Oh and I hate my new cyberly-vulgar self.

Hoping for something you might never get f*cking sucks.

My muse was my noodles.

Every girl I know is psycho to a certain degree. Some more than others but, yeah.

So hi guys.

Pretty certain almost every girl you date will commit some of the following crimes.

- Passive aggression: We are better at it than you are. It's infuriating, I know.
- Anger: We don't get over it as quickly as you do.
- Also, we get secretly annoyed when you pick an option not favourable to us even though we presented you with it in the first place.
- Yes, a lot of times we expect you to give in to us.
- If you haven't already realised, we are WAY MORE emotional than you are. Be careful.
- "I'm tired" is an excuse (or a lie) for a lot of things.
- We're always going to say "nothing's wrong" even when we're crazy pissed but give you the "sai bin."
- We get worse when we have our periods.

Serious.

Jaded. Again? Eff.

Some things just don't change.

Like how I'd probably never hate shopping or stop being vain.

Or like how I want to say so many things to so many people but I'm afraid to. Maybe one day I won't be able to catch myself in time. Meanwhile however, I'll shut up and find a way out of my comfort zone.

But I can put up a list of things I want to say to various people!

1. The fake accent is only making me want to choke you more.
2. I refuse to believe you are that oblivious to your insensitivity. Which makes you a bitch.
3. I am so grateful for you.
4. If you wanted it, I can still make a list of reasons why you are awesome.
5. It's getting old. Do you mind shutting up?
6. I don't know what kind of shit you have been telling people.
7. I envy your disgusting wealth.
8. I'm sorry.
9. You're kinda misunderstood. I wish more people liked you.
10. You have to stop being a heartbreaker.

I have more. But God forbid.

It's Wednesday tomorrow?

Afternoon.

Blogging streak.

I need to start sleeping a bit early. Of course I'm talking out of my ass again but it makes me feel slightly better when I put it down in black and white.

So I downloaded a couple of movies and 2/3 happened to be Nicholas Sparks' movies. Sian. Sad overload. I wanted happier chick flicks. No one likes to admit it but everyone loves a good romantic comedy come onnnnnnnnn.

Did I mention I often get my revelations while showering? Must be something about the wet confined space. After the latest epiphany, I find myself happier than I've been in a while. I cannot tahan the fact that I was oblivious to something so simple for so long. But dammit. This is good news for me. I feel stupider now than before actually but  heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Nothing better than making progress.

Machiam motivational poster I know. I'm saturated with cliches suddenly. Can't explain it.

Hi, I just came back from lunch. Yummeh mee siam. Can't wait for the coming week :)

Spiral

You try, efforts go unnoticed. Yeah, we've all been bitch slapped by that. Probably ranks pretty high up in the "worst feeling in the world" list.

But was it really THAT bad?

Really? Of course I have my flaws. I think that of myself so many times a day my sister is convinced I have an inferiority complex. But hey I never knew I had the ability to make anyone vehemently insist that I am incorrigible.

Screw this feeling ok. Seriously.

What the f*ck is going on?

NO, SERIOUSLY.

WTF?

As I suspected. Something in the air. Must be the "people doing effing stupid shit" dust everyone's breathing in.

(OK, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN)

Makes me insanely angry. Some people have no common sense. But then again I lost some of mine recently. Looking forward to regaining some.

Ok you know what. I have a lot of things to say but I can't because I would want to name the assholes.

Wow I cannot emphasize how angry I am right now.

Sink.

Not fun, to be on the receiving end of what I have just been... given. Though I think it's time I got the karma. I had it coming. The only problem is, what I am setting out to do is probably going to require more effort than previously thought. I said before that I'm a "I'll cross the bridge when I come to it" sort of person. Hey guess what, the goddamn bridge is here and I am going to attempt to cross the sucker.

You must be wondering how I saw the metaphorical bridge. It was a sinking feeling. Like a resignation - then I knew. It was time to let go. It seemed like for a long time I was deciding on whether I "wanted" or "needed" to. It was like I was waiting for some sort of cue. I hate wondering but now I know. Suspense flips me out so badly you have no idea what I have to do to suppress the adrenaline.

I just wish it didn't have to get so out of control. Why it took me so long to realise it, I'll never know. Made some pretty ill-advised decisions in the past few months. If given the chance to turn everything around, I would. Uh, cliche as bloody hell but what other way is there to say it? Plain and simple: I screwed up.

This is funny but I finally get the concept of PTSD. No, I'm not being melodramatic (thin line, I know) and saying that I have PTSD but I GET it now. You can be somewhat fine after a tragedy but only develop the anxiety disorder a few months later through memories and flashbacks. Same concept here. When I was learning that in school I never understood how that worked. Well.

See? I told you I'd still come back here to ramble when in the mood.

This mood is a terrible one to be in though. I KNOW it's terrible but I can't define it.

Too heartbroken. Other feelings kena marred already.

I am so hipster, I signed up for Tumblr.

http://focalplanes.tumblr.com/

I have been saying this and I'll say it again. I'm not going to post stock images with emo words and an overexposed effect. Pictures that I post will be my own pictures and my own damn emo words with self-photoshopped overexposure.

:D

I'll still be here though. When I have something I want to ramble about and you know, Tumblr is not really for rambling because it's all about being cool and releasing your creativity in short bursts.

-4

Toto - I Will Remember.

It's only Tuesday

It seems to me like it's the season to be emo. Everyone's experiencing their own brand of emoness these days. It's downright depressing. Which is not helping things on my end. This whole bad-mood thing is highly contagious. I don't care what Christopher Nolan says, mood is still more contagious THAN AN IDEA.

(But omg, sorry Chrissy, the show was still awesome)

Howeverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I have found something that makes me happier than I can remember. You know the feeling you get when you make a baby laugh? No? You should try it sometime, it's like therapy. Like shopping, only better. Little baby noises are so fun.

Talking about shopping, sigh. I should've bought that skirt from Zara and I should've bought that pair of shoes from Schu. Now they are probably gone. Oh. But I can still buy a new make-up bag. Mine is bursting at the seams. Just bought 3 new things yesterday. I'm terrible, I know. Makes sense that the size/bulkiness of my make-up pouch is directly proportionate to my vanity.

What a day to laze. I thank the chilly wind for not blowing away the grey clouds today. Maybe I should live in London.

Here's a random thought: You know you have been a slave to touch technology when you have the intense urge to touch the computer screen where you have a typo and fix it from there. Most of the time I expect my words to auto-complete too.

Time to appease my stomach. BYE.

I question my own judgment.

You know how some people always say that you shouldn't live your life with regret? Well I say to them DUH, who WANTS to, stupid? You don't really have a choice, most of the time. Useless advice.

Or maybe it's just me thinking this way. Being at home most of the time means that I get to think about all sorts of things and lately, I realised that I've done A WHOLE LOT of things that I really regret. The biggest ones are those that cannot be said here or to almost anyone.

Idiot.

I really want to stab somebody with a spoon right now.

A manifestation.

From walkways the neon lights beamed
High above the spotlights gleamed
Fire slapped the night sky vengefully
Everything dissipated beautifully
More and more the sounds grew louder
The smell of night air and gunpowder

Driving places to get some distance
To find a novelty, to find a difference
Stopping midway for a sit and a smile
Money and time were all worthwhile
The music, the sky and a black fast car
Still wondering how it got this far

Awoken by the sound of a wicked dream
One of riot and a bursting seam
One where games were not played fair
Filled a void with great despair
No one remembered getting here
The pungent gunpowder left a sear.

Drawing a line.

I keep waking up from a recurring dream that is fast becoming a nightmare. Almost every night I dream of the same thing, different place. I wake up feeling horrible because for a split second I'm convinced that everything is real; then I sit up and realise that it was all part of my subconsciousness.

Spoils my morning.

I think Cinderella said that "a dream is a wish your heart makes." Ok. I refuse to believe in any fairytale bullcrap but my waking up extra bitchy every morning is making me wonder if she's right. WHEN OH WHEN did I become so jaded? And melodramatic.

I'm turning in now. Wish me luck.

Graduation

Weird day.

A good kind of weird though. Wearing an oversized gown for hours is stifling. I never knew mortar boards were that heavy too.

Somewhat bored during the whole ceremony. One particular valedictorian delivered an insufferable speech which had everyone face-palming. It really shows when you try too hard. I couldn't even complain to anyone, seeing as how I was sitting beside people I didn't really know. Fiddled a lot with the dangling tassel that kept finding its way to my lips. It was however an awesome gift from Shenny. "How come your tassel different from the rest one ah?" was a popular question today.

Also, toes are not meant to be forced into pointy shoes. I now have blisters on my feet. The prospect of falling on my face while up on stage scared the heck out of me.

I pitied the deans who were handing out the certs and shaking everybody's hands. I am quite certain mine wasn't the only cold and clammy one they had to grab. In retrospect, I don't know what I was so nervous about in the first place.

We went to Marina Barrage to chill and talk nonsense after everything, though not before having prata and roti john near Naz's house. A somewhat still night punctured by hypothetical questions, dramatic stories and mad laughter.

It was so good seeing everyone again today. The last time this happened was during orientation.

BAC 2010, <3

I should really get a job.

I went shopping the other day and blew quite a bit of money.

Zara had sale.

And I also needed to get a few things for graduation. I have learnt to get staples. You know, treat purchases as investments to make myself feel better?

Looking forward to a few things. I hope they materialize well. Sometimes the things in your head don't turn out the way you want them to. But enough of mopey nonsense.

So, I genuinely want to know:

How is everyone?

I never.

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes.

---------------------------------

I am quite certain.

Damp Friday

Surreal, being home on a Friday night.

Well for a drama queen it is. LOL.

I think I will go watch "The Holiday" and then "Ghost".

I could've just tweeted all that.

LUBB!

Electric heart

You don't look or find.
You wait to believe.

To surrender.

Selling my thoughts for a penny.

I wonder what I'm doing with my life.

Cliche, yes. But it's what I think about everyday.

If you asked me to assign a number to the level of enthusiasm I have in looking for a job, I'd say about -6. It's not like no one at home is pushing me to get a job. Not like I don't have the urge to earn my own keep. It's just that... I'm lazy. Largely unmotivated. But you know what I think the main reason is?

I'm afraid. Afraid of that world out there. It keeps you slogging from morning till night and from seeing the people you love. Afraid of not being good enough. I like where I am. At home. The best comfort-zone.

Spoilt brat.

I hope my kids don't turn out like me. Cannot drive car for one day complain like f***.

I'm still in that quarter-life crisis phase, if you haven't already noticed.

But.

I'm generally happy, really. Just that I always have that deep, dark hole to climb into whenever I feel that it's time to feel sorry for myself.

Happy overall, sure. But I still miss a lot of things.

Humidity

People who have Tumblrs are lame if all they post are stock images of pretty or emo things and make it seem like they are the ones who created them and like 'omg, look I'm like so deep."

The weather and PMS, not making me a nice person.

:D

Quite sure they are the cutest babies ever:

But I am also totally biased.

So what? Someone told me long ago that love was the best kind of bias. And I agree.

:D

An explanation please?

Terribly long week. Yet, it's already Thursday.

Wow.

Taking care of babies is fun, sure. But I wish I got out more.

But when I do, I have serious fun. Thank you.

Also, my mind wanders so much at home that I've decided to write a story. Yes. A story. It's not done but I'm on it. A short one.

Backf**kingache. Good night.

Friday

The Observatory

Venus danced behind the clouds.
The winds came and rains returned.
Indigo dyed the many stars.
Red lights fashioned a silver dome.
A wisp of hair free in the night air.
Venus danced behind the clouds.

350

It was Sunday someplace else.

And I feel

So.

People all around me have either found jobs or are actively looking for one. As you can see, I'd much rather blog. Let's hope this attitude doesn't last too long. I wanna earn ma own keep, yo.

Did I mention I'm on an idefinite holiday?

Shoulder and back have been aching more so than ever. Infuriating. I wake up eary morning feeling like (is the Ke$ha song playing in your head yet?) I've been rolled over by Optimus Prime. My upper back hurts until I tell myself to lie flat and stay still. The initial hardcore pain ebbs away leaving a dull one. Happens every morning. I'm ALMOST used to it.

And can someone explain to me why people have been saying that the new Glee episodes are bad? I very much enjoyed myself. Maybe it's the old songs.

Haha I just realised that my blog entries are like a combination of extended tweets compiled into one post.

BYE!

I wish I had bullet-proof feet.

Recently, I find myself getting into a lot of 'trouble', as my title suggests.

Sometimes you say or do things to people you wish you hadn't. And it's not what you think it is.

But what's the use in regret? It's a wasted emotion. Does nothing for your heart or your head, except maybe bring you a few nerve degenerations closer to dementia.

My days all bleed into each other. The only way I know it's the weekend is when I see both my parents at home together. I don't even watch TV anymore because 3-digit channels are a bitch. The internet has been my really good friend.

I wake up every morning thinking what the hell I'm doing with my life. Today was especially bad. You know that feeling of being forced to wake up from a bad sleep?

Good morning.

A post of bad sentence structures.

I can't believe I never saw it before!

Sometimes it's RIGHT there but you don't see it. I probably got hit a couple of times in between the eyes with it but I only saw it today.

And I am so glad I did.

So anyway. I sent out a resume today. Yeah just one. Pathetic, I know. But I really, REALLY want this job. Perfect for me. But like a good friend said: See if it wants you too.

LOL.

I will now start answering unfamiliar numbers in case it's Mr. I'm-calling-to-see-if-you-would-come-down-for-an-interview bearing good news.

Hello. You might not like me or actually like me but because this post is so eccentric you decided to be annoyed with me, but wish me luck, thanks.

(I know what you're thinking. And I blame it on... well, I haven't found anything to blame my behaviour on yet. But, you know.)

Decide.

I THINK I should start looking for a job soon but I'm not sure.

I think it's what fresh grads do. Right?

One problem though: I have gotten used to the hardcore lazing I do when I'm not on baby duty. Eat ice cream, watch Friends, fall asleep, wake up, look for a snack, continue watching Friends, only to fall asleep again. This is what I've been doing in between baby duty "shifts" for the past 2 weeks. Did I mention that I've gained weight? Although I am quite happy about that.

Like I said. Hard to be a grown up sometimes. I have recently found out that I am really bad at it.

Convocation in June.

I don't know what to feel about that.

FTS

Sometimes doing the right thing feels so horribly wrong.

But it would be unfair either way.

I have been sleeping a lot.

You know what they say about depressed people sleeping excessively.

I need to find my way again.

Priorities.

Trying to be an adult sucks.

Does anyone feel like it takes too much effort sometimes?

Change.

It's 1:58am.

I'd much rather spend the time studying for my econs exam on Monday but I find myself worrying about other things.

Do you believe that something can be the cause AND the solution?

I have changed. Whether or not for the worst, I don't know. But I'd like to know when, how and WHY I did.

I swear it's some quarter-life crisis thing.

While I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I really cannot discount the fact that I have been doing some things I'm not particularly proud of. The worst part? I don't see myself going back to how I used to be. There had to be a catalyst; I'm still looking for it. I have rounded up the usual suspects, of course: School, friends, the future and people in general.

But that's not nearly enough. Not by a long shot. If you think about it, these things affect people all the time. I should just get the hell over it. It has happened before and I got by just fine. Why not now?

How how HOW did I get so jaded.

The only consolation for the rest of the dark morning - the kueh lapis in the fridge. Yum. So bloody expensive, though.

3 more days till uni ends. It was 20 days when I last whined about it here. Weird thing, this 'time'. So definite and relative all at once.

Oh well. In true Obama fashion,

it's time for a change.

HAI, COM317 GROUP GAIZ

I blogged this on here like 2 years ago. I was going through my old posts, found this and started lol-ing pretty badly. I'm going to miss nonsense like this.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Day 1 of Fall Semester 2008

My teacher for COM317 class (intro. to business and professional comm.) told each group to write a 'speech'. It can be in chronological order/complex to simple/known to unknown etc etc. Stuff like that. So our group decided to fool around with 'chronological order' and this was what we came up with:

How to kill a chicken for consumption.

First, set up a freedom restricting device (FRD) using some tantalizing chicken feed ala worm. Next, await the grand arrival and consumption of feed ala worm by chicken. This crucial step will activate the freedom restricting device (FRD), which will restrict the freedom of the chicken.

Then, we will slowly and carefully lift up the FRD with the non-master hand, and we will reach in with our master hand to apply a vice-like grip to the chicken's walking apparatus (WA).

Adjust and enhance to a comfortable yet firm grip. Using your non-master hand, apply another vice-like grip to the other WA. Take note that the above process should be completed within the shortest possible time, because failure to do so will result in the repetition of the whole process and the unfavourable freedom of the chicken.

Next, transfer your master hand to the head supporting apparatus (HSA) of the chicken with your thumb perpendicular to the ground, and parallel to the force of gravity.

Give the HSA a firm and abrupt clockwise (or counter clockwise) twist, and lift the brain containment unit (BCU) off the HSA housing. Tilt the organ-containment unit (OCU) in the angle of 45.8 degrees to facilitate the excretion of red oxygen carrying fluids.

With a sharpened tool, slit from under the solar plexus all the way down to the waste excretion opening. Empty contents.

Slowly but surely, lower the carcass of the chicken into a pot made of steel, containing liquid made up of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen at a boiling temperature of one degree above ninety-nine degrees.

Remove temperature preservation coating (aka feathers) to expose the porous flesh covering. Finally, consume.

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<3 you all.

A dip in the happiness pool.

So if everything goes according to plan, Aaden is going to be home on Friday/Saturday (23rd/24th)! Big sister Chloe is doing awesome too but has to stay a tiny bit longer.

Chloe

Aaden

And new baby cots:

:D

I have been asked to be 'designer' for the baby room. I am so psyched.

Exams, please come and go.

Come home soon?

Chloe

Aaden

I love you.

Reason

Whip

So here we are. The last week of school before exams start next week.

I've been doing a lot of things I've never done before recently. Like staying in school till 10ish for the past one week to do work, among other things. It seems like I've been doing so much work but not feeling accomplished.

Something is missing.

For a long time now but I'm not getting any closer to finding it, and it's annoying the heck out of me.

You know what else really annoys me too? Comic Sans. but that's totally unrelated.

There is a bright side, though. Now that Chloe and Aaden are out of their incubators, I can touch them all I want. Ok until the nurse comes to shoo me because only parents and grandparents are allowed. But I don't really care anyway.

When I look at their small faces and into their small eyes I suddenly just forget about everything else. That's cliche, I know. But if you're fortunate enough to get that feeling, you'll know exactly what I mean. I just... don't bother about anything else. Nothing. I can just smile at them all day and not even care if they don't know how much I love them.

Then I leave their side to come back to the real world.

And now here I am.

Alphaville writes well.

There's no reason to hurry
Just start that brand new story
Set it alight, we're head over heels in love,
Head over heels.

The ringing of your laughter
It sounds like a melody
To once forbidden places
We'll go for a while.

When we're moving so soft and slow
We need the ecstasy, the jealousy,
The comedy of love

Give me more tragedy, more harmony
And fantasy, my dear
And set it alight, just starting that satellite
Set it alight.

Bursting at the seams.

Too many things going on,
too little time to hold it all in.

Anyway, I suck at trying to make people feel better.

Even with myself, I fail.

I hope everybody wakes up feeling better.

I'm on a blogging streak.

It could be short-lived, I don't know. But I've been blogging pretty consistently I think.

so hello! I just got home from a somewhat productive project day, although there were times where we couldn't get anything done. maybe it was from the lack of food or naz's cats, I don't know.

my room is in an absolute mess. it's the weekend again and my mom might come up and scream the exact thing she has been screaming for the past decade or so. MESS. I think the 2-3 ants at the foot of my bed are trying to tell me something too.

on a wholly different note, I have friends taking a communication ethics class this semester and my eavesdropping on their conversations has made me realise that everyday, we do morally disgusting things without even realising it.

a friend asked me the other day, "What trait do you think is generally possessed by everyone?" (or something to that effect)

"Selfishness." I said.

then he went on talking about how women only think about negative stuff, blah. but as he was yammering away, I was thinking about why I said what I said.

we are all really selfish people. I know I am. we are sometimes overly concerned about our own happiness because at the back of our minds, we know that no one can take care of it as well as we can.

2 people very close to me told me recently that they'd do whatever it takes to get what they wanted. while that may seem unbelievably selfish, I think it's commendable to be able to admit it. one of them told me that if something were important enough to risk everything, he'd do anything.

then I realised that the selfishness had translated into selflessness.

sounds mad, I know. LOL. but I've been having weird revelations and it's screwing with my mind.

but don't you think it's better to admit something bad about yourself than to be a hypocrite?

Movie lines.

- "How did you do this to me?"

- "You're not terrible. You are the most amazing person I know."

- "I wish you were here."

- "I don't want that someone else. I want you."

- "I hate and love the way you're in my head all day. But that's probably inaccurate to say because I can't word it as well as I'd like. You do that to me."

- "You're so beautiful. I never knew what heartbreakingly beautiful meant until about 10 seconds ago."

Yeah, fine so I'm a hopeless romantic in love with words. Don't tell anyone.

Oh and I like my new layout quite a bit. :D

-

Nobody
said
it
was
easy.

Very curious.

So hi! I've decided to blog today. And now that I've started I don't know if I should continue.

Here's why - I'm going to be all mopey again.

Lately, I don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like I've been so distracted from school work and hardly have any motivation to do anything. I'm even lazier than usual. Maybe it has something to do with not letting time pass too quickly. I don't know, is that stupid?

Having said that, I've made some pretty disgusting decisions recently. They are probably trivial to many people but to me... ugh. I've been mind f***ed (the situation calls for a swear word) a lot these couple of weeks and I'm not really sure of what to make of it.

Or maybe,

I'm just a drama queen.

I think I've established that in almost every blog entry but it won't stop being true. LOL.

But you know what. Every now and then I meet up with people who mean the world to me and suddenly everything falls into place. In those few hours, I forget about how screwed up the screwed up parts of my life really are, laughing my most unglam laugh and having an epic time. And then I bask in gratitude.

I've learned to not take things/people for granted and I'm confident that I've gotten pretty darn good at it. At least in my head but... you know. I love and appreciate people who make the effort to show that you mean something to them.

Sigh. 4 more weeks to graduation.

18 Febuary 2010

Yes I know I haven't been blogging as religiously as before but up until now, I had no mojo. And it is my birthday today after all anyway... so... yeah...

This birthday has been kinda surreal. I don't know why (wow I forgot how therapeutic blogging was) I have been having these bouts of surrealism (this is an actual word) recently. I suddenly feel like a 50 year old having a midlife crisis. Will said it could be a 'quarter-life crisis'. You know, like the John Mayer song said. I think he's right.

Today was surreal for a few reasons. I woke up at 12am and stayed awake for a bit, allowing myself to sink deeper and deeper into melancholy. It suddenly hit me that I don't remember much of the year that went by so quickly. It made me sad. You know that feeling you get when you're trying really hard to remember something but you just CAN'T? I wanted to remember the things that made my year count but I couldn't. But then again maybe it's alzheimer's since I did just turn 22.

I need to stop taking things, and especially people, for granted. Because when you realise it, the feeling is sickening.

Today was also different because many people whom I didn't think would say nice things along with a 'happy birthday' did. It really didn't matter who said it. It was all very nice :)

But today mattered most of all because I got to be beside Aaden. I'm normally not allowed in the ICU ward but he was moved from his usual spot to a room with a kind enough nurse. He is the tiniest baby I've ever seen. The tiniest ten toes and ten fingers and the tiniest face. But it was when he opened his eyes that I felt like crying. I looked at him, called his name and he looked right at me with the tiniest eyes. I want him to come home soon. He and his sister Chloe, whom I haven't had the chance to see at all. Time doesn't seem to be passing fast enough. I want to snuggle up to both of them.

The doctor called my sister today to say that Chloe might have to have heart surgery if the hole in her heart doesn't close soon. Apparently all babies are born with this tiny hole in the heart that is supposed to close naturally. But Chloe's is not showing signs of closing and they might have to intervene. And Aaden is away in a little isolation room because he is carrying some bacteria that might cause an infection. Sigh.

I told you the day was surreal.